my friends are getting married (and other weird things about being in your thirties)

over the last few weeks, i’ve opened my social media apps to pregnancy announcements, photos of newborns, engagements, and weddings.

meanwhile, i touched up my makeup probably 3 times, tried on 10 outfits (leaving the classic pile of rejected neutral coloured clothes on my bed), mustered up the courage to put on my Friday Best, and took myself out on a solo date to the cinema.

meanwhile, i woke up to a countdown of when my job will end, of when i’ll go from structure and routine and seeing my coworkers everyday to a routine-less, income-less time. meanwhile, i text my friends to say: i’m finally drinking 2L of water a day! it’s 9:35pm on a wednesday and i’m eating granola for dinner! i held a baby goat at work! i finished the new season of ginny & georgia in 3 days! i finished a book in 2!

if i told you i opened my social media apps to these posts and felt not a single tinge of comparison, didn’t at all have a never ending list of questions swirling around in my heart that sounded something like ‘am-i-doing-it-all-wrong-i’m-trying-to-be-brave-and-put-myself-out-in-the-world-and-be-vulnerable-i’m-so-far-behind-what-am-i-even-doing-how-will-this-change-our-friendship-what-will-we-connect-over-now,’ if i told you it didn’t ever all leak from my eyes, i’d be lying.

i’m learning that our thirties are a time of uncontrollable contradiction. of being really, truly, deeply happy for others, while also feeling like you won’t be able to connect in the same way you once did. of being really, truly, deeply happy for others, and feeling wildly unsure of if (and when) it will happen for you. of being really, truly, deeply happy for others, while crawling into yourself with your perpetual singleness taking center stage.

some friends are buying houses, having babies, having more babies, getting engaged, getting married, becoming professionals, getting promotions, building big beautiful groups of friends. others are living alone and learning how it feels to come home to themselves every day, renting and doing their very best to afford their rent, working multiple jobs with the hopes that they will find one, just one, that feels like enough, fostering connections scattered across the world, and testing out the art of responsibility through taking care of other peoples' dogs.

this is all to say, we share these Big Human Milestones — like babies being born and houses being bought and rings being put on fingers and trips with our people. we share our big moments of choosing commitment and love and the Knowing that there is something that we want in our lives for a really long while. and of course we would. we want to celebrate whatever brings us meaning. we want to scream it from the mountaintops. maybe we want others to know it exists — maybe we want to give them hope. i'd be lying if i said these Big Human Milestones didn't make me absolutely sob for my people. i am here for them. i’m so lucky to celebrate them. and i love that we have these things happening that will give us goosebumps when we look back on them.

but what about the smaller human moments? what about, i found the courage to go to an event by myself, when in the past i've stayed home wishing i had a human to go with? what about little markers of connection: i've lived alone for 3 years in a new community and i recognise people now, people know my name, i have streets i sometimes don't walk down because an ex-something’s house is there? what about, i know how to spend time by myself and am more gentle with myself on the days that i don't want to be alone? i'm learning about who i am? i have dinner with myself and light a candle and put on music and dance? i'm talking to strangers and trusting that i'm worth talking to? i feel beautiful? i'm drinking enough water? i’m eating three meals a day? my plants are still alive?

things are happening for our people and for ourselves everywhere all of the time in this weird and wild life we're living. and now that we've made it to the other side of all of these thoughts, i realise this may be a love letter to my oftentimes aimless and lonely self to tell her she's doing just fine.

but i also want this to be a love letter to anyone feeling behind or like they may be doing it "wrong" or just feeling a little bit wobbly. i want you to know that whatever Big (or less-big-feeling) Human Milestones and moments are happening in your life right now, they are worth screaming from the mountaintops.

i'll meet you there.